I've recently written several versions of this post, never quite getting to say the nub of what I'm thinking. Hence the lack of posts for the past months!
This year in particular, a lot of people have told me how brave I am. I shared with a teacher at school (who knew about the miscarriage) that I had bad period pain and she told me how brave I was being. People tell me how courageous it is to let other people into our journey. Many people tell me they have no idea how they would handle things if they were in our position.
Here's the thing, the nub of it all:
It's not me.
Shall I say it again for effect? It's not me! On my own I'm not brave or strong or patient. Sometimes I even look at myself and think, "Shouldn't I have had some sort of breakdown by now? Surely this is too much?" But I haven't had a breakdown. This hasn't overwhelmed us yet.
There have been a lot of things I've been intentional about: I didn't want to hide our struggles and not let other people in; I didn't want to plaster over things and carry on stoically when inside it's disaster; I didn't want to get obsessed about having a baby, to the detriment of everything else in my life, particularly my marriage.
But there are so many things that I didn't intend, but God has graciously given me: peace, even in situations which seem desperate; joy for life that doesn't depend on circumstances; and strength. Here is the key: strength.
In our music group at church, we often encourage one another with the verse: When I am weak, then I am strong. Sounds like an eyebrow-raising paradox. It's actually very encouraging. Because when I am at the point when I feel that I cannot go on, that this is too hard, that it's been too long, that we will never come through the other side - it's at that point that God says, "I am strong, and I am with you."
I can't tell you the theology of all this, but I can only testify that when you see me being 'brave' it's through God's help. When I seem to be coping really well, it's through God's strength. When I talk to friends who are pregnant or with babies, it's through God's strength.
I am rubbish on my own. This isn't some sort of false modesty. Genuinely, if I had no faith and had to face the last 6 years, I would end up sat at home, never seeing anyone, obsessed and defeated.
And sometimes I do feel that way. One evening a few months back, I couldn't face talking to anyone after church, and I just ran home, curled up in the bathroom and cried. I was angry, upset and grieving.
But when I get back up again, it's in His strength. I need to say this again and again.
Some people seem to think that a 'very spiritual' experience only happens when we cry, or make ourselves vulnerable, or have an extreme emotion. For me, I know God's presence and help most clearly when I pray, "God, she's pregnant, this is going to be hard. I don't know how I'm going to cope. Please give me the strength to be a friend." And He answers my prayer.
I'm always quoting hymns/songs here, so here's another beautiful line:
"Strength for today, and Bright Hope for tomorrow."
In February, just days after we found out we'd lost our baby, a friend reminded me of that line. That's the promise from God. We're not at the end of our journey yet, but these two things keep us going: Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
